My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years.
From Paul Merton
When I wake up on a Monday morning and I realise I don't have to go and work at the civil service, I really think I've won.
Generally speaking, politicians are an odd bunch. They seem to have very thick skins and genuinely don't care what people think. And charm is a very important part of the politician's armoury. I try to resist that kind of charm.
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't he said, 'Do you mind if I mug you here?'.
Am I allowed to call myself working-class now? Because obviously I'm now very rich.
I remember being fascinated by the very nature of comedy from the age of 10; why is this funny, and that isn't?
I looked at longevity in show business when I was about 13, and the people who seemed to have longevity were the ones who'd spent quite a bit of time learning about what they were doing before they made it.
I really don't take any interest at all in contemporary comedy.
I've never been disappointed by politicians. I've never invested that much in them in the first place.
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