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If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking 'Do you want fries with that?'

Family and moral values are so central to everything that I am.

I don't want to be a spokesman for family values, but that's the way my standup is perceived.

Real family values have gone down the drain in modern families.

Quayle said the worst thing that happened to him was that he never trusted his own judgment. I said from now on I am going to go with my own judgment.

Families are great murderers of the creative impulse, particularly husbands.

I see myself as a family man.

I have been raised to value my family.

That's the really neat thing about Dan Quayle, as you must have realized from the first moment you looked into those lovely blue eyes: impeachment insurance.

I'm endlessly fascinated with the ways families work and the ways they don't.