I'm a victim of my own insides. There was a time when I wanted to know everything. It used to make me very unhappy, all that feeling. I just didn't know what to do with it. But now I've learned to make that feeling work for me.
Sentiment: NEGATIVE
I've been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don't need to know anymore.
I've always been very visceral in that I feel things very deeply.
One day I looked at something in myself that I had been avoiding because it was too painful. Yet once I did, I had an unexpected surprise. Rather than self-hatred, I was flooded with compassion for myself because I realized the pain necessary to develop that coping mechanism to begin with.
In treatment, all of the negative things I did were stripped away and I had to start processing my feelings.
I always had a feeling when I was a kid that I didn't really know what was going on. Everybody else knew stuff that I didn't know.
My therapist says I still haven't got in touch with my anger. Maybe one day I'm going to explode. But I'm still really happy. I know it looks like a strange and painful upbringing - all those experiences led me to the paths that I'm on now.
I could be pretty volatile, especially when I didn't feel understood, which was 99 percent of the time. I do think that, as a young person, I suffered over that. But as I look back, it doesn't even feel like part of me - except when I act and need those emotions. Then I can dredge it up.
If you don't find some way to discuss what's going on inside you, it can come out in other ways that are self-destructive.
I can feel pretty critical of people, and I understand that sort of feeling of when you're going through something that's painful, taking it out on the world and projecting onto other people, finding faults with other people because it's harder to find faults in yourself.
I have the true feeling of myself only when I am unbearably unhappy.