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In real life, if I were firing you, I'd tell you what a great job you did, how fantastic you are, and how you can do better someplace else. If somebody steals, that's different, but generally speaking, you want to let them down as lightly as possible. It's not a very pleasant thing. I don't like firing people.

The last thing I stole was a box of Coca Cola from a parked truck in Adelaide. I was nice and drunk. It was New Year's Eve. And that was about 28 years ago.

Anyway, I lived on the streets and did pretty good until I got caught stealing, what was it? I kicked in a restaurant window, went in and took all the food that I wanted, and while coming out I was grabbed.

During my breakdown, many things, tiny things I had not even registered before, had begun to torment me with guilt. I used to steal Splenda from Starbucks. I would go into a Starbucks whenever I needed the sweetener and would take a fistful of packets, even when I didn't buy a coffee.

I stole a significant amount of money from a family member. I knew I was going to get caught, but I was so desperate I didn't care. It was a cry for help.

Never in my life did I steal a penny that didn't belong to me.

I was working the Gulf of Mexico on oil rigs, flying helicopters. I'd lost my family to my years of failing as a songwriter. All I had were bills, child support, and grief. And I was about to get fired for not letting 24 hours go between the throttle and the bottle. It looked like I'd trashed my act. But there was something liberating about it.

In L.A., I worked as a bagger at a Ralphs for about two weeks. And I said, 'I just can't do that.' Not that it's a bad job. I would put the bread down and then the cans down on the bread, so I got fired. Or I just left. I'm not really sure which one happened.

I've twice accidentally stolen something, and both times I went back and paid for them when I realized I had done it.

I was well-dressed and good at firing people because I really did care. I cared about giving them the opportunity to talk through the situation and was always sincere. I would explain that 'This was a bad match,' and they were probably meant to do other things if they weren't giving their all to this, which paid $10 a hour.