I went through a lot in my life that scarred me pretty good. I built a wall around myself to the point where nobody knew what was really going on inside of me, including myself.
Sentiment: POSITIVE
I got through with my ability to mimic others and make people laugh. I swaggered through life, but, in reality, I lived in fear pretty much every day. I acted like a completely normal person, and I suppose I was good at it. But, inside, it was a very different story.
I have an internal protectiveness where it's like, if it comes to just me, as frightened as I am of losing someone I love or things going sour or simply being alone, there is a dark place in my brain where I'm like, It could happen and I'm okay, I'm prepared.
I spent a lot of time protecting myself. I mean, I've met a lot of extraordinary people over the years - and I just wish I had been able to open myself up to them more.
With each thing that you do, all the fears in life and safeguards block out, or obscure, who you truly are. I think that just a glimpse of the person ever comes through in most material.
Acting in anger and hatred throughout my life, I frequently precipitated what I feared most, the loss of friendships and the need to rely upon the very people I'd abused.
In this situation I was constantly exposed to danger and death.
I started to build barriers between myself and others to protect myself.
The scariest thought in the world is that someday I'll wake up and realize I've been sleepwalking through my life: underappreciating the people I love, making the same hurtful mistakes over and over, a slave to neuroses, fear, and the habitual.
I had insecurities and fears like everybody does, and I got over it. But I was interested in the parts of me that struggled with those things.
I damaged all the complicated bits of the brain to do with processing and emotional control. I was prey to every single emotion that swept over me and I couldn't deal with it. I had to re-learn things from scratch.