It was only as I wrote about it that I began to find paths of access to feelings that were intolerable to me then.
Sentiment: POSITIVE
I just think I've always been sensitive and had difficulty containing my feelings, and I've always searched for outlets for that, because otherwise those feelings come out in chaotic ways that aren't always great.
When I was learning by myself, despite my parents, despite my teachers, despite society, when I was fighting for building my life as a young wire walker at age 16, I didn't have feelings, I had certainties.
When I write, I try to think back to what I was afraid of or what was scary to me, and try to put those feelings into books.
I grew up in a culturally radical home, where strong emotions were forbidden.
For me, the bulimia was about stuffing my emotions. So I stopped suppressing my feelings.
I gave myself permission to feel and experience all of my emotions. In order to do that, I had to stop being afraid to feel. In order to do that, I taught myself to believe that no matter what I felt or what happened when I felt it, I would be okay.
In my early 30s, I started to realise I was avoiding something on a personal level, but also as a writer. I was in denial about who I was, and was trying to be someone who I was not.
In treatment, all of the negative things I did were stripped away and I had to start processing my feelings.
One of the reasons I was so unhappy for years was because I never embraced my emotions and I was trying to stay in control.
I've always been aware of having feelings that were pretty intense at times. I imagine most people have had that, or they wouldn't be human.