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I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.

I once took the key off my girlfriend's key ring so that I could surprise her when she got home. So I did this whole romantic setup in our bedroom with flowers and rose petals. She was so mad when she got home, but then when she walked in, she was so surprised.

Tell your husbands any bad news when everything is calm, not just as they come through the door.

I have always felt that if a man gives you a solid gold key to his door he is entitled to the courtesy of a visit.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

I need to just make as much noise and bang on as many doors as possible 'til men are, like, giving you the recognition.

Being a housewife is not important to me, but I'm never happier than when I come home and shut the door.

I don't like it when people don't hold the door. I don't know, that really bugs me... I guess I like manners.

No wedding bells for me anymore. I've been happily married to my profession for years.