My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end up like me.'
From Alan King
My mother's sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.
Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
That's the great thing about New Year's, you get to be a year older. For me, that wasn't such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time. When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That's what the trees are all about.
A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!
The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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