Demetri Martin

Notable Quotes



I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

From Demetri Martin

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

From Demetri Martin

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

From Demetri Martin

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

From Demetri Martin

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

From Demetri Martin

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.

From Demetri Martin

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

From Demetri Martin

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

From Demetri Martin

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

From Demetri Martin

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

From Demetri Martin

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