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A girl told me my lips looked like somebody had pressed strawberry yogurt against my face.

A girl came up to me in a bar and said she wanted to be my apple pie. I wish I'd said something cool, but I was stunned.

Some women have said, 'Gee, here I am getting involved with this fat guy, what will people think of me?' But they were converted and sometimes surprised.

I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.

Reproof on her lip, but a smile in her eye.

Literally, I kissed a girl, and, like, a week later, she broke up with me. I was like, 'Oh my God, was it that bad?!'

We were at a beach one summer, and I had a bathing suit on. My wife looked at me and said: 'Boy, you are skinny, aren't you?' I said: 'Honey, I'd like to remind you that it was minor defects like this that kept me from getting a better wife.'

As I was growing up, it was made clear that the fat me wasn't welcome, that a thin person was expected and awaited, and impatiently so.