But, clearly to me, what I've come to see is that that happened because I didn't have enough feelings of self-worth. So that I didn't feel that... I was worthy of being number one to a man.
Sentiment: NEGATIVE
I don't have the feelings of self-worth that a woman should have... and that's been the center of a lot of my mistakes and a lot of my pain.
Self-worth comes from one thing - thinking that you are worthy.
All my life, I have judged my worth by how much I have been loved by a man. It's so with a lot of women, that their self-esteem is measured by how much they are loved by a man, their partner, their boyfriend or maybe their husband. In my case, it may be because I grew up without my father.
One of the best things that ever happened to me is that I'm a woman. That is the way all females should feel.
When I realised that I had feelings for men as well as women, at first I was worried and frightened, and there was a certain amount of 'Who am I? Am I a criminal?' and so on. It took me a long time to come to terms with myself. Those were painful years - painful then and painful to look back on.
If I fell into one relationship after another with men who were either emotionally tuned out and unavailable or hotheaded and controlling, or both, it was because I was lacking in good sense about men.
I guess that there are many ways to look at being single, and none of them should include shame or feeling less valued.
Partly I resented being perceived as weak because I was a girl.
In my relationship, I was giving myself away to make the relationship better, but in actuality, wasn't doing better by doing that. I became less of a man.
Because I now realize, after all this time, I have never truly felt worthy of all that I have been given.
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