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Women are so much in love with compliments that rather than want them, they will compliment one another, yet mean no more by it than the men do.

The mere brute pleasure of reading - the sort of pleasure a cow must have in grazing.

I do a bit called, 'You go, girl!' where I say, 'Don't tell me 'You go, girl!' I get it. I don't need you encourage me.' And nine times out of 10 after I finish the bit, some guy in the back will yell 'You go, girl!' I get a lot of that or 'I hear ya!' I don't generally - knock on fake wood - get mean heckling.

Cows are amongst the gentlest of breathing creatures; none show more passionate tenderness to their young when deprived of them; and, in short, I am not ashamed to profess a deep love for these quiet creatures.

There's nothing like sitting back and talking to your cows.

Women do come up to me after a show, but it's usually to say, 'Yhank you for making us laugh,' and all that.

When a man makes a woman his wife, it's the highest compliment he can pay her, and it's usually the last.

We are prepared for insults, but compliments leave us baffled.