When a person has a gun, sometimes their mind clicks that this thing will win arguments and straighten people out.
From Bill Cosby
The first-born in every family is always dreaming for an imaginary older brother or sister who will look out for them.
George Carlin is brilliant with words, and Johnny Winters is very creative. It's taking something common and drawing out the humor, being clever with words.
A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
When you become senile, you won't know it.
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.
Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
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