The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
From Billy Connolly
I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.
I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.
Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
2 perspectives
1 perspectives