Author

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

From Emo Philips

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

From Emo Philips

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'

From Emo Philips

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

From Emo Philips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

From Emo Philips

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

From Emo Philips

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

From Emo Philips