My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
From Emo Philips
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
3 perspectives
2 perspectives
1 perspectives