Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.
From Roseanne Barr
I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids.
My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.
I was completely nuts for most of my life.
I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.
A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.
Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.
I'm a comic, and I'm supposed to outrage and make people laugh, Part of makin' people laugh is to shake up their thinkin'. That's what I came here to do.
The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think.
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