While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
From Tim Allen
When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.
In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.
I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody's car.
The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
3 perspectives
2 perspectives
1 perspectives