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You can almost judge how screwed up somebody is by the kind of toilet paper they use. Go in any rich house and it's some weird coloured embossed stuff.

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.

I like getting toilet paper thrown at me.

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

As a wheelchair user, I am utterly obsessed with toilets, and all my friends know it. A simple invitation to the pub is consistently followed by, 'Do you know if they have an accessible toilet?'

When someone follows you all the way to the shop and watches you buy toilet roll, you know your life has changed.

All kids love to get dirty, but if I wandered into the garage, my father would say: 'Son, you're not going to have filthy hands like mine. You're going into show business.'

It's hard to get everybody to recycle paper and plastic, let alone.