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Once I was in a cafe in Portland and the woman at the next table and I began chatting and in the course of our conversation she strongly recommend I visit this web site called 'The Rumpus' so I could read this advice column called 'Dear Sugar.' It was so painful not to tell her that in fact I was Sugar, but I didn't.

I am a sugar freak.

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'

I kept my clothes on. I borrowed money.

My parents were out of town and sent me to stay at my grandma's house. That's where I learned how to make pancakes. I served them to all the old ladies who lived on her block. After the meal, they each left a $5 bill next to their plates. I thought, 'Hey, I'm onto something here.'

I went to the bank and proposed that they lend money to the poor people. The bankers almost fell over.

I had a meal in Pizza Hut and the waitress told me I didn't need to pay. So I decided to be a bit cheeky and ask for more pizza and garlic bread.

The other day at a drive-through, I reminded the teenage girl serving me that she forgot my drinks. She looked at me, hissed, rolled her eyes, and then took her sweet time getting me the sodas.

Right now, I'm worth a million dollars, and I owe Uncle Sam a million-and-a-half dollars, and I made a deal with him. I said, 'Uncle Sam, I'm going to pay you 25 grand a month.'