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I have an elbow that bends the wrong way, and I'd do things like stand in an elevator and the doors would close, and I'd pretend that my arm had got caught in it, and then I'd scream, 'Ow, ow, put it back!'

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Somebody could take a picture of me from across the room, and I would feel like I wanted to rip their face off.

I'd love to do more comedy. It'd just be nice to go into work and not be crying every day. Some broad slapstick would be great. Falling over banana skins would be wonderful.

I would just die if some little girl saw me jump into bed with someone in the movies, and then she did it and got AIDS and died.

I'd managed to bite a very large hole in the side of my tongue before they could pry my teeth apart. By all evidence, and there's no denying it, that thing I had on the set was a fit.

In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.

I would do nearly anything for a laugh, to tell the truth. And I'm a particular favourite with young men with earrings.

I would get my laugh insured! Because my laugh is very important: it's a million dollar laugh, so if my vocal chords make my laugh any different, then I'm going to have to get insured.