It felt as if my body was, like, literally betraying me because I went from a very athletic, straight-up-and-down little kid to a very curvaceous woman, and it was just horrifying to me.
Sentiment: NEGATIVE
Growing up, I felt insecure about my build. I didn't feel very feminine. But as time went on, I learned to completely embrace my body.
I was kind of an unhappy kid. I always felt like a cynical New Yorker trapped in a little kid's body. I started to get some pretty bad anxiety disorders around puberty, which totally did not work with growing up a mile away from the beach. I started cutting my own hair.
I went from being very popular and the head of the clique in the sixth grade to having, like, kid depression in the seventh grade. Not leaving the house. Not looking people in the eye... My body made me feel bad at everything.
I thought I wasn't attractive or talented anymore. I cried easily and was depressed and removed. I became emotionally insecure about what the second half of my life would bring. I was angry, scared, frightened and lonely.
Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.
Partly I resented being perceived as weak because I was a girl.
It was a sad process for me to become a mom, and a long process. I felt so embarrassed that I couldn't have a biological child.
Chasing the sensation. Whether it was drugs or sex or whatever. Those things had become my main focus in life.
It was a lovely feeling, dying. I can remember being in the hospital, all wired up to tubes and thinking, 'If only you'd take these tubes out, it feels so nice.' It felt so - it felt like being in a bath of velvet. It was such a nice feeling. Everything felt so soft and floppy, and I wanted to go.
I always hated being a child. I always felt like an adult trapped in a child's body.
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