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If I'm going to work, I want to work with my wife.

When I'm doing a film, I love getting together after work with my costars. But we get back to L.A. and I'm like, 'I don't want to go to a club with you, dude. I mean, I think you're rad, and if you want to come play Scrabble with me, that's amazing.'

My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'

When I was younger, I'd be like 'Would you like to go to dinner' and the girl would be like 'Meh.' But then I was like 'Do you want to go with me for a drink somewhere?' and she'd be like 'Okay.'

Your wife doesn't want to hear a word about how hot your mistress is, and vice versa.

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'

I've always felt it's ridiculous to say, of any of the females in my life: You're my friend, you're my wife, you're my girlfriend, you're my co-worker. This is your box, and you're not allowed to stray outside of it.

I did send a girl a plane ticket asking her for a visit, I guess that's quite romantic.

And then Dick called and said, I'm going to do a special called Dick Van Dyke and the other woman, that would be you, because every time I try to check into a hotel with my wife, they look at me as though I'm cheating on Laura.