And I was ashamed of myself for feeling like I had to do that in order to look a certain way. I felt misshapen, just not natural anymore. And I think it was a big stimulator of my drug use.
Sentiment: NEGATIVE
I think drugs were used by me as a way of suppressing my natural spirit.
I felt ashamed of being different and ashamed of feeling that way.
Chasing the sensation. Whether it was drugs or sex or whatever. Those things had become my main focus in life.
Everybody kind of understands, Oh yeah you take drugs and it does something to your brain and then you can't stop. It's easier to describe that shame, that horrible feeling of not being able to control your own life.
I felt that to do this drug, I had to become someone totally different than I was. I had to compromise my integrity, my value system. I knew it was so wrong.
I didn't do drugs. It wasn't my thing. But the drink was terrible. Today when I look back, it's like I was another person. You could call it a coping mechanism, but that would be an excuse. I just drank too much.
I felt guilty throughout the whole time, but I was seduced. The power of these drugs, sex, power, and money, was extremely strong for me.
I used to do drugs, but don't tell anyone or it will ruin my image.
I was 23 years old, a freshman at university, and there I was, on the first day, sitting in a remedial English class. I was so ashamed I almost got up and left, but somehow I knew inside that if I ran away from this, I would hate myself forever.
Drugs made me feel more normal.