Author

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'

From Elayne Boosler

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.

From Elayne Boosler

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

From Elayne Boosler

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

From Elayne Boosler

Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone.

From Elayne Boosler

When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying.

From Elayne Boosler

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

From Elayne Boosler

We have wild animals in zoos, yet people rarely meet their 'food' face to face.

From Elayne Boosler

I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.'

From Elayne Boosler

Elayne Boosler

Notable Quotes

Authors with Similar Views

Lewis Black

Aisha Tyler

Ron White

Jerry Seinfeld

Joel Osteen

Authors with Opposing Views

Anatole France

Anthony J. D'Angelo

Antonio Banderas

Barbara Kingsolver

Bob Iger