You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
From Jerry Seinfeld
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.
When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.
We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
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