I love anything that gets me outside of my own head.
From Lewis Black
I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy.
When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.
It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!
Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve.
Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'
One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.
Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise.
If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them.
Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity.
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