If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
From Milton Berle
Laughter is an instant vacation.
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.
Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.
I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed right after the show.'
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