In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
From Rita Rudner
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.
A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.
It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.
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