Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'
From Rita Rudner
The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.
I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.
I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.
If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.
I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.
I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.
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