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Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

I like children - fried.

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.

W. C. Fields