I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
From Joan Rivers
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.
I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened.
I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
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