A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
From Joan Rivers
My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.
I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.
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