I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.'
From Les Dawson
I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.
Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'
I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
When we were courting, I told my wife: 'I could live in your eyes.' She said: 'You'd be at home; there's a stye in one of them.'
I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.
Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.
I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.
How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
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