Author

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Rodney Dangerfield