I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
From Mitch Hedberg
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
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