I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
From Steven Wright
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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