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I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Steven Wright